Tuesday, June 18

It’s 2024, and Ghana is a utopia of prosperity! Ghanaians revel in so much opulence that it renders all African countries reminiscent of the Stone Age. Religious leaders dub it “heaven overflowing with gold bars. This has prompted many of us to regularly dispatch gold bricks to our relatives in the diaspora out of pity for their harsh circumstances.

America is the greatest nation on Earth. If you disagree, remember I didn’t ask your opinion. However, recent hitches such as a complete healthcare system breakdown, a nationwide famine, and the auctioning of Florida back to Spain on eBay for a mere $25 have left Uncle Sam feeling somewhat inferior compared to Ghana’s majestic ascent as a global giant.

But worry not, America, Ghana’s radiant ascent offers hope – here’s how to emulate a brilliance you might not have known existed!

Here are three areas that America can learn from Ghana:

Political Polarization

January 6th, 2021. It was the beginning of America’s governmental collapse. Forget baboons and chimps; it was more like a zoo escape where every animal thought it was the main act. That incident was as primitive as collecting Urine tax in ancient Rome because the ammonia in urine was popular for teeth whitening. A mob storming the U.S. Capitol to overturn the 2020 election? Odd doesn’t quite cover it.

Conversely, Ghana has embraced diversity and fostered a culture of inclusion and tolerance in its politics. Ghana’s proportional representation system ensures that all are represented in parliament. You would hardly find a disgruntled citizen. The youth are encouraged and inspired by endless opportunities and much peace of mind from excellent governance.

Healthcare System

America faced the COVID-19 pandemic like a game of healthcare peek-a-boo. The virus played chess  while the U.S. desperately played chequers to find its national healthcare strategy – it turns out it was hiding in plain sight.

America has also failed to provide universal health coverage. Millions of Americans are uninsured or underinsured and face high costs and barriers to accessing health care. Through its National Health Insurance Scheme, Ghana has extensive health coverage covering every one of the population and providing access to quality and affordable health care. Something America has not figured out since 1776.

Income Inequality

America, your wealth gap’s grown so wide even Jeff Bezos’ fancy rocket couldn’t leap across the blinkin’ thing! Meanwhile, over in Ghana, we have ended all inequality – by making every resident a billionaire.

But don’t despair – Ghana’s miraculous solutions to inequality will bail you out! Just offload North Dakota for a dollar and use it to fund importing Ghana’s new patented inequality strategies! Then you too can be a strong country again one day, instead of the big rubbish you have become!

Tiger’s Roar

America must strive to learn Ghana’s greatness – your lone hope is to fix this epic cock-up and regain lost glory!

Finally, we have a saying in Ghana: Fa ma Nyame. Attempting translation risks brain implosion, but our prosperity, world-class healthcare systems, and excellence in governance are conceived in that statement. Stop asking for a translation of the phrase. Just Google the damn it!

NB: Please note that this article is intended for satirical purposes only. The exaggerated comparisons between the United States and Ghana are meant to be humorous and should not be taken as accurate representations. The content is fictional, and any resemblance to actual events or situations is coincidental. Take it with a grain of humour!

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