We heard you’re strutting around Africa, throwing petulant tantrums as your influence fades. Watching your former colonies individually give you the middle finger in the Sahel must sting. But fret not, for we come bearing wisdom. Listen, old chap, you’re not the belle of the ball anymore. Africans are done being your rubbish sidechicks. You need a rebound fling with some boundaries. Might we suggest Canada? Ha Russia if you’re feeling adventurous
We get it. Letting go of power sucks like a breakup. We, too, once tasted the sweet, sweet nectar of Empire. But desperation is not a good look, honey. Take it from us. There was a time when the sun never set on the British Empire. You frogs cannot top that.
But we all left Africa. They kindly bid us farewell, but do not expect me to admit to that. Might one inquire as to your continued presence in Africa? Glory has already been achieved. We plundered from the continent and built a unified garden called Europe. We gave America the icing on the cake, and they made a colosseum.
Let us reminisce on our crafty carving of Africa, dear France! When we stumbled upon those savages – oops, developing darlings – their potential was not lost. Our most special cousin, Leopold of Belgium, and German unifier Chancellor Otto von Bismarck petitioned for the 1885 Berlin Conference to divvy the continent. Yes, that’s Leopold the black sheep of the family. (He massacred 10 million Congolese, many children, with a broad smile. King Leopold II was a true gift to Europe and Belgium). Today, every young Belgian dreams of becoming as treacherous as King Leopold II.
In just 25 industrious years, between 1880 and 1905, we meticulously partitioned nearly all of Africa like a delicious continental charcuterie. Except for plucky Ethiopia and Liberia due to exceptional circumstances.
The partitioning of Africa is probably one of our most successful, coordinated and finest European ventures in human history. We could loot as much as possible before they woke from their slumber.
The Master Chefs of Colonization:
1. Britain – The English Tea Party Host: Yours truly, the colonial bake-off had to begin with us prim and proper British with our love for tea, crumpets, and colonies. We couldn’t resist a slice of Africa’s rich and diverse pie.
2. France – The Gourmet Enthusiast: You have always been known for your exquisite taste in everything.
Naturally, you couldn’t resist Africa’s flavours, from Morocco’s spices to the fine wines of Algeria. We set aside minerals, spices, rubber, and oil for you. We gave you a whooping 25 countries and more, you greedy sod.
3. Germany – The Uninvited Drunkards: Germany stumbled into the colonial feast fashionably late, already guzzling beer and chomping sausages.
They sloppily carved out a slice of Africa to extract rubber, minerals, palm oil and cocoa to fuel their industrial hungover.
4. Italy – The Pasta Perfectionist: Italy was laser-focused on the parts of Africa perfect for growing tomatoes and wheat for pasta.
They cared more about the sunshine than the people, prioritizing colonizing areas like Libya to export agricultural riches and minerals back to Rome.
5. Spain – The Tapas Connoisseur: Spain was still living in the past, bragging about conquering Latin America and plundering all their gold and silver.
They had to settle for leftover scraps like Equatorial Guinea and bits of Morocco. Spain mostly just wanted North Africa for beach resort tapas.
6. Belgium – The Ripper of Congo: Belgium small but mighty greedy, sadistic killer, she monopolized Congo to fuel their chocolate addiction.
Who cares about all the horrific human rights abuses when you’ve got cacao beans? Little Belgium became a heavyweight plunderer overnight.
7. Portugal – The Porto Party Animal: Portugal the OG colonizer was thirsty for more, but had to settle for the leftovers other powers didn’t want. You want to know the truth?
Their capacity was small. When we were juggling India, Canada and that new kid called America, Brazil was a handful for Portugal.
Our control over the Africa transformed us into global superpowers:
1. Economic Exploitation: We extracted vast wealth from Africa through its valuable resources such as minerals, rubber, timber, and agricultural products. This fueled our economic growth and the famous Industrial Revolution.
2. Market Access: Africa gave us captive consumer markets for European goods, expanding export markets for our industries.
3. Strategic Geopolitical Position: Africa’s location was important for global trade and naval dominance. Our ports and territories were vital stopovers for ships travelling to and from Asia.
4. Labor Force: We often forced Africans into work. Literally slaving them on the sugar, tobacco and cotton plantations. From the Gold Coast through the Caribbean to the Americas. Africans turned the new kid on the block, the United States of America, into the envy of the world.
5. Military and Technological Advancements: From the Sierra Leone diamonds, to gold from the Gold Coast to rubber in Congo. This is what contributed to Europe’s military and technological advancements. It funded our modern armies, navies, and industries.
6. Prestige and Nationalism: Our colonial acquisitions made us proud and asserted us on the global stage, fueling national pride and the drive to compete for dominance.
7. Scientific and Geographical Knowledge: Our exploration and colonisation advanced our knowledge by discovering new species, geological formations, and geographical data.
You should have taken everything you needed within that period, but you greedy Franks had a different plan. You took 14 countries, gave them one silly currency and hindered their economic development and sovereignty. Who does that?
Now look at what’s happening. These coups should tell you something – Mali in 2020 and 2021, Chad in 2021, Guinea in 2021, Burkina Faso in 2022, Gabon in 2023. Now it’s public knowledge you desperately need Niger’s uranium to feed your reactors and power your filthy electric baguette toasters.
Tiger’s Roar:
So get a grip, guzzle some wine, and kindly pay heed. Your actions are concerning the global community, Frenchie. LET AFRICA DETERMINE ITS OWN FUTURE, OR YOU WILL FACE EMBARRASSMENT.
We need democracy to thrive – so shed your neocolonial skin and let the people govern themselves again. Your time exploiting Africa is up. The continent is no longer your playground.
- Africa’s vast wealth and resources fueled Europe’s growth and global power. Yet we have to pretend we can not see or feel that our exploitation has left scars still felt today. Our scrambling feast to carve up kingdoms shows imperialism’s lasting stain. Niger, Mali, Guinea, Burkina Faso and Gabon are victims.
- Today, the sun has set on our colonial days. Africa now holds the pen to write its future. You are not the only one worried, Frenchies. The sound of sovereignty and self-determination rings loudly as liberty’s anthem, and we don’t know what that will bring us.
- As former colonisers, we beseech you – to pursue partnerships, not patronage. Respect the dignity and will of independent states. Aid their flourishing; don’t hinder it. Uphold justice, not jurisdictions. Support democracy’s seedlings nourish human rights.
We hate to rub it in, dear France, but just look at our sparkling Commonwealth gems! Like precious India – the jewel in the crown of our Empire – now dazzles as the world’s largest democracy.
She’s so developed can even go to space nowadays. Sure, we didn’t exactly hand over the keys willingly…We are dirty, too, but unlike you bullish idiots, we listen. The point is our former colonies prospered under our tutelage and stewardship.
Look at the mess we created in Nigeria, yet her spirit is strong. The day that sleeping giant wakes up – Africa will rule the world.
Ghana, Kenya – such bright stars with robust constitutions and blossoming institutions gifted lovingly by us. Don’t tell them we are taking the credit, dear sister. This is locker room talk, like our subjects, Americans will say.
So, our dear frogs, take our advice as former colonisers. Disentangle yourself from the tangled bonds of imperialism. Africa’s destiny belongs to Africans alone. We know without your reliance on Africa, you may collapse. If that happens, we will ridicule you and come to your aid. Remember, we are a family. Chin up! Stiff upper lip!
Yours Sincerely,
Britain, the tiny island formerly known as Great!
What do you think?
- The article mentions several African nations experiencing political instability. What role, if any, do you think former colonial powers should play in resolving these issues?
- “In your opinion, how can Africa leverage its resources and newfound independence to shape its own future and overcome the lasting effects of colonialism?”
- What do you think about using satire to discuss the legacy of colonialism? Does humour help shed light on serious issues or undermine their importance?
- In the age of decolonisation, how can former colonial powers like France and Britain better support African nations in their pursuit of sovereignty and self-determination?
- Do you believe that Africa’s rich resources significantly shaped the global power dynamics of former colonial empires? How can historical injustices be addressed to benefit the continent today?